PART I
The
Goal of Temperament Talk
To teach a positive parenting approach which helps parents discover
effective ways of parenting that honor their own and their child's temperamental styles.
Who
is a Temperament Specialist?
A temperament specialist is the person who guides you through this
material. He or she may be either a paraprofessional or professional person working in a
helping capacity who has training and experience in this parenting approach. Temperament
specialists can be child advocates, family therapists, counselors, clergy, parent
trainers, teachers, abuse prevention workers, social workers, or mental health professionals. Whomever your temperament specialist is, you can trust that she or he has a commitment
to serving families.
A
Note on Pronouns & Cultural Bias
Since we value both male and female people equally and recognize
that children are of both sexes, we have chose n to alternate between the pronouns
"he" and "she" throughout this worktext.
Also, the worktext is written as if everyone were white, married and
heterosexual. We know that this is not true. However, since this is the predominant
culture in northeastern Oregon where the materials were developed, we wrote from our own
perspective. We welcome you to make adjustments in the materials so that they better fit
your cultural norms and ethnicity.
Getting the
Most From the Program
- TEMPERAMENT TALK, A Guide to Understanding Your Child
has two parts:
1.) this worktext and,
2.) regular meetings or consultations with a temperament specialist. All are important for
success.
This worktext contains Readings and Activities as well as some Stories about different
kinds of challenging children. Readings give information, and Activities provide practice
using the information. The Stories are included as food for thought as you learn.
Your meetings or consultations with your temperament specialist provide support,
additional information, and an opportunity to discuss the Readings, Activities and
Stories.
- The pace you set for going through this program is up to you and your
temperament specialist. The material is divided into seven parts. Some people like to do a
part per week. Others go more quickly or more slowly. There is no right or wrong way to do
it. After you get started, you will get a feel for the pace that will be best for you.
With your temperament specialist, plan your pace according to your own learning style and
your lifestyle. Some people do best when they do t he Readings a little each day, and
re-read as they go. Others prefer to do the Readings just before meeting with their
temperament specialist. Note: most Activities cannot be done at the last minute, as they
ask you to try new things over time.
- Write in your book! Make notes. Write them in the margin. Jot down
questions for your temperament specialist, or points that you wan t to remember. Use a
highlighter.
- Challenge yourself with new ideas. Talk about what you are reading
with a friend or family member. Try out new things. Do the exercises more than once.
- Read some related books and magazine articles. Many good ones are
listed in Appendix D at the back of the worktext, or ask your temperament specialist for
recommendations.
- Flip back to previous Readings and Activities to review. As you
learn, something odd happens: you will begin to see things in new ways. This "new way
of seeing" will let you discover fresh information in material you have already read
once!
Writing
Your Personal Goals
In the space below, please write several goals you would like to
achieve as you participate in this program. Your goals can be general or specific. Think
about your child and the reasons you came in. State what you would like to see change.
1. ___________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
2. ___________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
3. ___________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
4. ___________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
5. ___________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
Definition
of a Challenging Child
The term we have chosen to use for the types of children who most
often send parents, and others, in search of help is "challenging." These
children are also sometimes referred to as "difficult" or "spirited."
No single description of a challenging child can cover all the ways in which children can
be hard to manage. A wide variety exists in the types of children that pose challenges to
the people responsible for them.
For our purposes, the challenging child is one who has difficulty
meeting the demands of the world. His parents may be in conflict with one another because
they disagree on how to deal with him. His behavior leaves teachers, sitters, parents and
other family members feeling bewildered, frustrated, inadequate, guilty and angry. A
challenging child is one who regularly taxes all of our resources, and can leave us
feeling that there is something very wrong with ourselves or with the child.
- To introduce the concept of temperament as inborn.
- To understand that there are positives as well as negatives related
to each temperament trait.
- To learn that all temperament styles are normal.
Introduction To Temperament
Q. What, exactly,
is "temperament" anyway?
A. Temperament is the set of traits each of us is born with.
It is our own unique style, the starting point of personality. It is what makes some
things easy for us, and other things hard.
Q. How can knowing
about temperament help me raise my child?
A. Your child's
temperament, to a large degree, determines the kind of challenges you face daily. For
example, if your child is shy , loud, or very active, there are certain behaviors you see
over and over. You will need to teach your child to behave in appropriate ways, according
to her natural inclinations (easy lessons) or despite the m (harder lessons).
Another benefit of the program is that as you become aware of
temperament, your outlook towards your child's behavior will change. We have noticed that
this alone results in big changes in your approach to your child's behavior.
Q. Is EVERYTHING
about my child due to his temperament?
A. No. Not everything.
But it is safe to say that almost everything is affected by it. Temperament is the
"how" of behavior. It will determine how your child goes about most everything
he does.
Lots of Common Qualities are Rooted
in Temperament
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- Stubborn
- Fearless
- Assertive
- Angry
- Moody
- Spontaneity
- Nagging
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- Perfectionism
- Defiance
- Adventurous
- Emotional
- Impatience
- Independent
- Whining
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- Impulsive
- Forgetful
- Outgoing
- Aggressive
- Fearful
- Cautious
- Timid
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Q. How do I
know if something is base d on temperament?
A. Try asking these
questions:
- Did the behavior start when your child was under four years old?
- Is the behavior hard to change?
- Did you teach your child to behave this way?
If you answered "yes" to #1 and #2 and "no"
to #3, temperament is likely involved.
Q. What can I do if
my child just has a BAD temperament?
A. Temperament isn't good
or bad. It just is. It's kind of like eye color or shoe size.
There are positive things and negative things about every
temperament trait:
- A shy child can be anxious, but also cautious.
- An angry child can be unpopular, but fight for justice.
- An impulsive child can be reckless or joyously spontaneous.
- A stubborn child can be obstinate or independent and loyal.
- An intense child can be a screamer or infectiously enthusiastic.
- An emotionally sensitive child can be a crybaby, but also very tuned
in to other's feelings.
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The challenge is to find ways to channel your child's inner
strengths in positive ways, so that she can become the person you know she can be. This
isn't easy, but it is possible. Many fine adults were once challenging children,
considered "odd" or "unusual" by those who knew them. Stanley Turecki
in The Difficult Child (p. 240241) says that Eleanor Roosevelt was shy and withdrawn;
Albert Einstein was also shy and withdrawn, had no friends and didn't speak until a late
age; Thomas Edison was reported to be "abnormal" and was taken out of school;
Pablo Picasso was stubborn; Winston Churchill was hyperactive, accident prone and cried
easily. A more recent example is Robin Williams. Imagine the challenges of raising him!
Yet all of these difficult children grew up to be outstanding adult s. Nevertheless, the
process of guiding them to adulthood could not have been easy.
Finding What Works
Simple reward and punishment don't work very well for children with
challenging temperaments. That's probably why you are here. There is nothing
"wrong" with challenging children; they are normal. In fact, most children have
a few qualities that are trying. Some children have many. Temperament is part of what
makes them more difficult to raise than other children.
The aim, then, is to find ways to parent that fit your own style and
also work with your child's very individual temperament. As you go through this program,
you will find those ways. Most parents say that as they learn, parenting becomes less
stressful and more rewarding. They also say that their child's behavior becomes more
positive, they become more effective parents, and the whole family is happier for it.
- To define effective parenting.
- To validate parents' feelings when face d with a challenging child.
- To introduce the ten temperament traits.
Effective Parenting with
Temperament
Q. What makes an
effective parent?
A. That's a big question.
It can be lots of things. Mostly, it is finding what works and giving up what doesn't work
with a particular child. If you have more than one child, you have probably noticed that
what works with one doesn't necessarily work with another. Often there was nothing wrong
with the strategy you used, except that it wouldn't work with that child because of a
temperament trait. Rather than feeling angry, guilty, or blaming yourself or others; it is
far more useful to sort out what things DO work with a particular child and give up the
ones that don't.
In Short, an Effective Parent:
- is flexible
- understands what makes the child "tick"
- learns from mistakes & avoids repeating them
- feels good about himself or herself
- knows there are no pat answers
- does not expect perfection
- creates new strategies as the child grows up
- gives up blaming and guilt
- has a sense of humor
- remembers they were young once
- respects the child and them self
Q. That sounds
nice, but you don't know my child! Nothing works with him! Even serious punishment doesn't
phase him. Can this work for us?
A. Many parents come to
us out of desperation, with huge frustration and a real sense of defeat. We have learned
that this gradually turns around as they go through the program. It is hard for them to
believe that there is help, when so far, so many things have failed. They feel stuck and
hopeless.
In our experience, there are no "impossible children."
There are children whose parents have not YET learned the skills and attitudes that will
enable them to regain confidence and to teach and guide a challenging child. You are right
about punishment. It is not effective for some children due t o their temperaments.
Let's share a real-life example to see how the temperament traits
work in a challenging child.
As you read, keep in mind:
- There's nothing WRONG with a challenging child.
- Challenging children have as much potential as "easy" children.
As you have some success, things will get better.
There are ten temperament traits that can fit together in a
variety of combinations to make a child seem more or less, in the case of an
"easy" child, challenging to raise. These are the ten traits:
- Approach/Withdrawal
- Adaptability
- Intensity
- Mood
- Emotional Sensitivity
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- Activity Level
- Distractibility
- Persistence
- Sensory Awareness
- Regularity
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As a way of understanding how these traits influence
personality and family relationships, let's look at the story of one challenging child.
A Challenging Child: Megan
Megan was the second child of John and Kathy Campbell. She was,
from birth, very different from her older sister, Julia. Megan didn't want to eat on a
schedule, and unlike her "easy" sister, she didn't sleep easily or even at the
same times every day. When she did finally go to sleep, she would wake up after a short
time, full of energy.
The biggest problem John and Kathy faced was Megan's loud and
irritable behavior. She would scream over the smallest things. She protested loudly when
she was fed or changed. She was cranky about nearly every aspect of her life. Bathing her
was a trial as she wriggled and bawled, totally unsoothable. No amount of rocking or
cooing or cuddling quieted hex Kathy's in-laws told Kathy that her milk must not be enough
for Megan, or she wouldn't be acting so dissatisfied.
Their pediatrician told the Campbells that Megan was suffering
from "colic. " They were relieved, thinking that when the colic passed, so would
t he irritability. She was still having trouble feeding and sleeping. When the colic
hadn't ended by the fourth month, as it usually does, the Campbells decided the diagnosis
had been wrong. When Megan was seven months old, she was still screaming and irritable.
They didn't know what was the matter with this baby, but they were sure something was.
They worried a lot about hex They questioned whether or not they were "good pa rents.
" They were confused because Julia was doing fine, and they treated the two little
girls much the same.
John and Kathy took Megan back to the pediatrician. He prescribed
phenobarbital to calm hex They administered the medication dutifully, worrying that this
child would need to be drugged for the rest of her life.
The Campbells had heated discussions about what each thought the
other was doing wrong with Megan. She was not outgrowing her behavior problems. In fact,
as she got older new problems emerged. It was impossible to keep her confined.
She was an escape artist. She went from crawling
to running; never mind learning to walk first. In stores she would slip away from
Kathy and scoot under the racks of clothing and disappear She was into everything all of
the time.
When Megan was about a year old, the family moved across the
state. The frequent trips to visit relatives were awful. Megan would rage and carry on
hour after hour in the car fighting the car seat. By the end of the trip the whole family
was exhausted. Megan never got used to the long drives.
Dressing Megan was a constant fight. She refused to wear the cute
little ruffled dresses Kathy picked out , screaming and yelling until she was in her
sweats. Combing Megan's hair was an ordeal. She would cry and carry on through the whole
process.
In public, Megan was fearless. She scared her parents by escaping
from them and striking up conversations with total strangers. The Campbells continued to
argue about these problems, blaming one another
Megan could not seem to follow any of the family's routines. She
didn't want to eat at mealtimes, and at bedtime John and Kathy couldn't get her to go to
sleep. The result was a constant struggle between Megan and whomever was trying to take
care of her usually her mother Kathy knew this was the most contrary child she'd ever
seen.
Megan had some positive qualities in addition to her many
negative ones. She was remarkably pretty. She was energetic. She wanted to be helpful.
Even so, it was hard for John and Kathy to keep these things in mind when there was so
much going on that was so hard. As Megan got older they eventually chose to blame her
rather than each other. They decided she was just a "brat, " and there was
nothing to be done a bout it. She became very defiant of her parents. While they loved her
it was hard to like her very much.
This isn't the end of Megan's story, but it's a good place to tell
you about her temperament, so you can see how the idea of temperament casts the situation
in a different light.
Megan's temperament is the type we call challenging. This is not to
say she is abnormal. In fact, she is growing up to be a successful person. Let's look at
each of the ten temperament traits as we think about the Campbell family.
Approach/Withdrawal
This refers to how the child reacts to new things, places and
people. Does she readily accept newness, or resist and hold back? Megan had high approach
tendencies, as seen by her eagerness to run through stores and go up to strangers.
Adaptability
This relates to how easily the child adjusts to transitions or
changes. Megan needed, and still tends to need, extra time to adjust. She has a strong
sense of right and wrong, or of the way things should be. She is not easily influenced by
anyone, and tends to be a bit rigid in her thinking. Kathy describes her as never letting
anyone win.
Intensity
This trait refers to how strongly the child reacts to things, both
positive and negative. Intense children are often loud. In childhood, Megan was very loud
and dramatic. There was no volume knob to turn down, and she could drive people crazy
with the noise. As a young adult, she is still quite animated and dramatic.
Mood
Mood has to do with whether the child views the world "through
rose colored glasses" or tends to see things as worse than they are. Megan usually
reacted negatively, which accounts for her irritability and anger. She still usually
perceives situations as "bad," and her overall attitude is serious, not
lighthearted. This is real to her.
Emotional Sensitivity
This trait refers to how readily the child feels her own and
others' emotions. It is an internally experienced reaction, unlike INTENSITY, which is the
manner of expressing feelings. When she was younger, Megan's anger and defiance masked
her emotional sensitivity. Her parents thought she didn't feel much of anything because
she surrounded herself with a hard, tough shell. She never cried when she was spanked. It
wasn't until she was in high school that they realized she was actually tenderhearted and
felt things sharply. She volunteered to be a peer counselor and expressed her ability to
care for others.
Activity Level
This trait relates to how much physical energy the child expends.
Megan was, and still is, a highly active person. When little, she was constantly on the
go, riding bikes or playing outdoors. She didn't need much sleep. Sitting still in the
car seat on long trips was torture for her.
Distractibility
This trait has to do with how easily the child shifts attention
when interruptions occur. Parents describe highly distractible children as ones who don't
listen. They forget what they are doing because they get distracted before they finish.
In childhood, Megan was about average, neither very high nor very low, in this trait. She
still is.
Persistence
This refers to how long a child will keep at something when the task gets difficult.
Megan was, and still is, about average in persistence.
Sensory Awareness
This trait describes how acute a child's physical senses are: sight,
sound, touch, taste, smell and pain. Some children are over stimulated by sensory input.
Megan was bothered by the feel of the scratchy lace on the little dresses, so she refused
to wear them. She was also sensitive to light touch especially on her scalp, which made
hair brushing an ordeal. She also rejected clothes that were certain colors or patterns
because they looked ugly to her. Megan was sensitive to pain and therefore wailed
inconsolably when hurt. As a young adult, she is still highly aware of how things look or
feel to her body.
Regularity
This last trait has to do with how predictable a child's biological
functions are from day to day. Megan was not very regular about sleeping or eating; she
could not be put on a schedule because she wouldn't get hungry or tired at the same times
each day. This is why mealtime and bedtime were so trying.
It may seem that there could be no happy ending. Megan's negative
mood, high intensity, low adaptability and high approach tendency, together with a very
high activity level made her a real handful. Life was quite miserable at the Campbell's
house.
Then Kathy took a class called "Self-Esteem, a Family
Affair. " In the class she discovered that Megan had low self-esteem. This puzzled
Kathy, because Megan was so pretty it was just hard to believe she had a low opinion of
herself. But the signs were all there. Kathy began to look at how the family's negative
relationship with Megan had affected her. Despite her beauty, she didn't like herself very
much. Kathy felt compassion and sadness towards her daughter, realizing Megan had taken in
the harsh judgments of those around her.
When Megan was in seventh grade, Kathy took a job with the
Temperament Program. She learned about Megan's inborn traits. She believed Megan couldn't
help much of how she reacted to things, and she came to see how a lot of what she was
doing to discipline Megan was actually making the problem worse. Kathy decided to stop the
power-struggle with her daughter and try to improve their relationship. She forced herself
to quit thinking of Megan as a brat.
That same year, Megan decided to go out for track. Kathy joined
her for her morning workouts, just running with her. As they ran, they started to talk in
a way they never had before. Kathy started to use the ideas she was teaching other parents
at work with Megan at home.
As Megan grew up she began to excel at sports, her self-esteem
improved, her relationship with her parents became stronger, and she began to get along
better in her family.
Megan eventually went off to college on a track scholarship. Now,
she is learning how to self-manage, using the knowledge her mother has helped her learn
about her own temperament. In high school, when other kids experimented with drugs, Megan
didn't, because her low adaptability prevented her. Her high activity level, however,
allowed her to become a fine athlete.
Megan's story illustrates several important points about
challenging children:
- Challenging children are normal. Research shows that they have as
much potential as "easy" children.
- Challenging children are challenging because of their innate makeup.
Their temperament exists at birth. It is not their fault, and it is not your fault. It is
just the way things are.
- Challenging children are harder to raise. There's no argument
here. Effective parenting is harder with these children.
- Challenging children are not all t he same. The ten dimensions of
temperament combine in many ways to produce different types of challenging children. Other
factors, such as intelligence and sense of humor, combine to make each child like no
other.
- Parents of challenging children often feel angry, inadequate or
guilty. If you feel this way, you are not alone. It is natural to get discouraged when you
are very frustrated. Learning about temperament can help you change your reactions.
- When understood and channeled, challenging children can become
positive, enthusiastic, fun people to be with.
- For every potential drawback posed by a temperament trait, there is a
flip side, a corresponding potential asset.
Megan
continues her journey. Although she still struggles with issues of self esteem and tends
to judge herself on her appearance and her performance, she is coping with the demands of
life. Now a young adult, she counts her parents among her closest friends, a claim neither
she nor they thought possible before learning about temperament.
- To introduce the "vicious circle.
- To acknowledge the stress affecting the whole family.
- To learn about low parenting energy and its result.
- To present guidelines for talking about family issues.
Family Stressors
Q. It seems like all we
do is fight. What can we do to stop all the bickering?
A. There is often much
stress in the families of challenging children. The problems are more than just the
difficult child. This is because there is a "vicious circle" set in motion.
The Vicious Circle goes like this:
And on and on it goes. Some families can get so caught up in the
circle that there can be tragic results. Other families are less affected. The vicious
circle needs to be broken so stress levels can subside and the family can start to be a
relaxed, enjoyable place to live.
The First Step
The first step in breaking the vicious circle and improving family
relationships is to talk openly about issues in the family. By family, we mean not only
the traditional group of two parents and children, but whomever lives in your household
and relates closely with your children.
As a parent, you are the one in the parent-child relationship
who is expected to lead in knowledge, wisdom and life skills. How much is your energy for
parenting affected by life stressors such as finances or relationships? How often are you
"running on empty?" When your energy is depleted, your child will, quite
naturally, misbehave. Why, you may ask, does she act up when you are the least able to
deal with her? Why can't she misbehave when you are at your best, ready to cope with
problems?
You may feel that she is "kicking you when you are down."
But that isn't really what is happening. When your parenting energy is tapped dry, your
child feels a sense of loss. She can tell that you are not fully available for her. She
needs so much from you, and yet at that moment, you are not able to meet those many needs.
You are human, and that means having limitations. It's all right.
At that point you can learn (or use) the skill of taking responsibility for your lack of parenting energy, in order to avoid blaming your child for
natural misbehavior and your reaction to it.
You can assume that lots of problems are related to the stress that
comes from struggling to raise a challenging child. You can also assume that as you learn
more effective ways to handle your child, stress levels will decrease and your parenting
energy will increase. Soon, lots of family problems will be easier to resolve.
Here are some guidelines for talking about family issues:
- Understand that under stress, we all say and do things we regret.
Agree to postpone the discussion if regrettable things start to be said.
- Avoid blaming. In return you may avoid being blamed. Fixing the blame
won't fix the problem.
- Avoid getting angry, hurt or upset. Agree to postpone the discussion
until you are both calm.
- Really listen to your partner. Try to see things from hi s or her
point of view.
Discussion Questions
The next section provides some questions to guide
your discussions. Try to find some time to talk with your partner
privately, and don't expect to resolve everything at once. Understanding
takes time to grow. If you are a single parent, talk with a relative or
close friend; anyone who is sympathetic. If this isn't
possible, talk with your temperament specialist. The important thing is to get your issues
out in the open so that they can start t o be resolved. If you and your partner are unable
to talk without becoming hurt, defensive or angry, you are not unusual. These can be
difficult questions to discuss. It is perfectly all right to ask for help in working
through the discussion.
- To provide practice in talking about family problems arising from the
stress of living with and raising a challenging child.
Discussing Family Stressors
1. Information:
Mothers often feel exhausted, bewildered, isolated, inadequate, different, guilty or
angry.
Instructions: Mom talks, uninterrupted. Her partner listens.
After Mom is done, her partner expresses understanding of what she said, and may add his
perceptions of what she has been through.
Question to Discuss: How have I been affected by the stresses
of raising a challenging child ?
2. Information:
Partners often feel left out of the mother/child relationship. They sometimes think Mom is
doing a "bad job." They all feel angry, guilty, inadequate, exhausted and so on.
Instructions: The partner talks, uninterrupted. When he is
finished, Mom expresses her understanding of what he said, and may add her perceptions of
his experience.
Question to Discuss: How have I been affected by the stresses
of raising our challenging child?
3. Information:
Other children sometimes try to be "too good" in order to be different from the
challenging child. Or, they might be "bad" to get attention. Sometimes, they
feel neglected or become withdrawn. Other adults may feel angry or confused about their
role in helping with the challenging child, or disagree with you about how to handle
problems.
Instructions: Either partner may start. You again take turns
speaking, listening, and giving feedback after the speaker has finished. Share what you
have seen. Try to understand together.
Question to Discuss: How have the others in our family been
affected by the stress of dealing with our challenging child?
4. Information:
Some couples find that they have no time for each other, fight a lot about how to handle
the challenging child, and end up blaming one another for the child's behaviors.
Instructions: Continue to discuss, one person talking at a
time.
Question to Discuss: How has our relationship been affected?
5. Information:
Often, friends and family criticize parents of challenging children for how they are
raising their child. Family get-togethers are often a problem because the parents end up
arguing with their o wn parents about the child.
Instructions: Check to see that you are both still calm. If
either of you is hurt, angry, blaming, or defensive, identify you r feelings and take a
break as you agreed to do before starting this exercise. If you are both in good shape,
continue the dialogue.
Question to Discuss: How has our relationship with our close
friends and family been affected?
6. Information:
Sometimes drinking problems, money worries, tendencies towards depression, physical
illness or other problems increase when people are trying to cope with a challenging
child.
Instructions: Continue taking turns talking, as above.
Question to Discuss: Have other family problems gotten worse
as a result of the stress of raising our challenging child?
7. Information:
This child can also have added problems as a result of family tension and friction.
Often, his negative behaviors increase and his self-esteem suffers. He may have more
physical problems such as headaches, indigestion or asthma.
Instructions: Think of your child. Continue the dialogue.
Question to Discuss: How has our challenging child been
affected by increased family stress?
Again, these are not easy questions to discuss. If you or your
partner get upset talking about them, stop. Try something else. Some parents have found it
useful to w rite out their answers and exchange papers in order to share calmly. Also, you
can ask your temperament specialist or another supportive person for help.
Go slowly, and expect understanding and change to come bit by bit.
Set aside a time once a week to discuss parenting. Your observations and perceptions are
essential to your partner, and vice versa.
Adapted from Stanley Turecki, M.D.
The Difficult Child
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