Grandma' Vada's Windows

Problem Used For

Fighting, bickering with other children.

Goal

To give up the fight using distraction and humor.

What to Do

This strategy comes from one of our temperament specialist's memories of her Grandma Vada. When the kids would get to bickering, she would put them to work washing opposite sides of the same window and tell them not to smile at each other.

The outcome was that the kids were separated, distracted by the task and invariably ended up making faces at each other through the glass. They would eventually end up giggling and laughing, the argument forgotten.

Group Decision

Problem Used For

Avoiding chores.

Trait Basis

Low Activity Level

Reframe Statement

I know you prefer quiet activities.

Needed Skill

Ability to negotiate for preferred tasks.

What to Do

Letting children choose chores they prefer is a way to reduce conflict. In adult life, most of us find ways to do the things we like and to avoid the things we don't like. This strategy lets children practice this skill.

Make up a chores list. Be sure to put both high and low activity things on it. Have the family members divide up the tasks. If you have high activity people who will want to mow and rake the lawn, what difference does it make if your low activity child chooses to fold laundry, sort out and organize the junk drawer, or groom the dog?

If there are several low activity children, they will need to practice taking turns at the preferred chores.

Telling the Truth

Problem Used For

Lying.

Trait Basis

High or Low Emotional Sensitivity, High Persistence, Low Adaptability

Reframe Statement

I know that sometimes you need time before you can report accurately.

Needed Skill

Being truthful, admitting making a mistake.

What to Do

Tell the child that the important thing to you is that she tell the truth. Tell her that is more important than the issue being debated because being truthful builds trust. Explain that trust is very important to you, and you want to trust her.

Make your reframe statement after you have heard what you suspect is a fib. Then say, "Let's not talk about this for a while. Sometimes I remember things differently later. If you change your mind, I will listen, not punish." Then drop the subject without saying you do or do not believe her.

If she comes to you and revises the story later, listen and praise her for telling the truth.

Ear Plugs and Aspirin

Problem Used For

Temper Tantrums

Goal

To help the parent be aware of trait challenges contributing to tantrums; to predict child' s reactions and prevent tantrums when possible; to respond effectively when child is out of control.

What to Do

Experts differ on what drives temper tantrums. Tantrums are usually attributed to two causes. Sometimes they appear to be willful misbehavior staged to manipulate you. Other times they seem to simply be the child's immature reaction to feeling overwhelmed, helpless and completely unable to cope (empty Adaptability Tank). We have discovered that the question of a child's purpose in throwing a tantrum can be debated at length without agreement. There is no pat answer. The answers depend on multiple factors affecting each individual situation.

We agree, however, that faced with a spectacular tantrum, most parents' first reaction is to feel victimized. On the surface, it looks as though the child is doing this to you to get his way, and sometimes that may be the case. Look below the surface, and you may find a temperament connection. It's easy to feel especially on the spot when the child stops, drops and howls in front of an audience; but consider this: what you are seeing may be a pure, genuine, intense expression of emotion, NOT a scene put on to humiliate or coerce you.

We think an effective response to a tantrum is possible regardless of the cause.

Whenever you can, check for how temperament is playing into a tantrum. If you see the temperament connection, accommodating t he challenged trait may help bring the tantrum to an end. An example is a high sensory awareness child who screams when dressed in a wool sweater that itches. In this case , taking the sweater off is a reasonable and compassionate solution to the problem. Sometimes the child is frustrated because several traits are being challenged at once.

Consider that your child may be suffering, too. Take the child and leave public places. State briefly that h is behavior is not acceptable and that you will return to what you were doing when he has calmed down. Distract him if you can. Don't talk too much. Use your best judgement about meeting demands he may be making.

After you have done whatever you can reasonably do to solve his problem, remain physically present if safety is an issue. Wait it out with him. Don't argue, or pay him too much attention. You might need earplugs and aspirin. If you are somewhere that provides safe privacy, a Neutral Time-Out is an option. He may calm down quicker if left alone for a while.

Sometimes you can predict tantrums and plan so that they are minimized. Other times you will not be able to predict or avert a tantrum. You will simply need to endure it until it ends. The goal is to teach the child the skills needed to remain in control when angry or frustrated. The good news is that children do eventually outgrow tantrums.